Horoscopes Issue 5 (12/12/19)

Aquarius: This week, you will have a mysterious dream and wake up committed to a career in pallet appraisal.

Pisces: Don’t trust Aries this week. At all. Especially concerning surprise events.

Aries: This week is the best week to surprise Pisces with a surprise party. Find any excuse you can. You will thank me later.

Taurus: This month, it may be most apt to amend the lyrics of your favorite Christmas song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” to “All I Want For Christmas Is Some Means By Which To Pry Open This Freezer Door Before I Succumb To Hypothermia.”

Gemini: If your friend is giving you the cold shoulder, he maybe Frosty the Snowman. 

Cancer: He’s breaking kneecaps. He’s stealing scapulae. He’s in control of your English grade. Santa Clause, the ol’ scoundrel.

Leo: Don’t forget to let your final exams soak overnight before you eat them.

Virgo: You’ve heard of Climate Change! Now get ready for A Shaved Bear. 

Libra: They’re burning the sedge! They’re stealing HyVee cheese wheels! They’re bending spoons! They’re vegans, Chef Kelly! This horoscope sucks!

Scorpio: It’s the final week of school. This means that you can burn all your books without consequence. Especially the e-books. Mr. Kellogg won’t care.

Sagittarius: This week you will finally realize your dream of carving an accurate likeness of Bing Crosby into an eight-ounce block of feta cheese. With your journey complete, you will no longer fear death.

Capricorn: You will soon by excommunicated by the church, which is fine because Hell has an Ikea and you’re a big fan of their Swedish meatballs.

Aquarius: There was a climate strike, but Morgan Orozco couldn’t attend due to the fact that the city government was holding her hostage in the Seabury basement. However, they let her out to speak in support of climate change. 

Pisces: This week, you will have a mysterious dream and wake up committed to a career in pallet appraisal..

Aries: This week is the best week to surprise Pisces with a surprise party. Find any excuse you can. You will thank me later.

Taurus: This month, it may be most apt to amend the lyrics of your favorite Christmas song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” to “All I Want For Christmas Is Some Means By Which To Pry Open This Freezer Door Before I Succumb To Hypothermia.”

Gemini: If your friend is giving you the cold shoulder, he maybe Frosty the Snowman. 

Cancer: He’s breaking kneecaps. He’s stealing scapulae. He’s in control of your English grade. Santa Clause, the ol’ scoundrel.

Leo: Don’t forget to let your final exams soak overnight before you eat them.

Virgo: You’ve heard of Climate Change! Now get ready for A Shaved Bear. 

Libra: They’re burning the sedge! They’re stealing HyVee cheese wheels! They’re bending spoons! They’re vegans, Chef Kelly! This horoscope sucks!

Scorpio: It’s the final week of school. This means that you can burn all your books without consequence. Especially the e-books. Mr. Kellogg won’t care.

Sagittarius: This week you will finally realize your dream of carving an accurate likeness of Bing Crosby into an eight-ounce block of feta cheese. With your journey complete, you will no longer fear death.

Capricorn: You will soon by excommunicated by the church, which is fine because Hell has an Ikea and you’re a big fan of their Swedish meatballs.