Horoscope – The Chronicle

Horoscopes Issue 7 (2/20/20)

February 20, 2020

Aquarius: Surprises await you. Specifically, you will unexpectedly win the Democratic primary election in American Samoa. Pisces: Toothless Mike Tyson will soon pay you a visit. Whatever you do, do not put cajun fis...

Horoscopes Issue 6 (1/27/20)

January 27, 2020

Aquarius: -Diego Klish, 2020 Pisces: “I do not shower EVER”- Diego Klish, 2020 Aries: “Sometimes before I sleep, I think about baseball players because I like the sounds they make”- Diego Kli...

Horoscopes Issue 4 (11/21/19)

November 21, 2019

Aquarius: Well, you know what they say. If it can crush a saltine, it can melt a bear. Pisces: This week, wake up and smell the coffee, and the bees, and the chloroform, and the ketamine. Aries: Yo...

Horoscopes? Issue 3 (10/31/19)

October 31, 2019

Aquarius: Tomorrow, find solace in the fact that although you and your toes have been unduly separated, the appendages will add delightfully to the stew that Mr. Neuteboom is making in the Seabury basement. Pisces: ...

Horoscopes Issue 2 (10/2/2019)

October 2, 2019

Aries: Aaaaaaah! Rand Paul is chasing me! His hands are the size of BOILERPLATES! His heelies are TOO FAST for me to outrun! Taurus: If you throw out bacon grease with the cat litter, your FBI agent will put you on t...

Horoscopes Issue 1 (9/12/2019)

September 13, 2019

Aries: First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the chronic multifocal osteomyelitis. Taurus: Imagine this: Father Rob plays “Teach Me How to Dougie” after chapel and hits The Dougie as you w...