Horoscopes Issue 7 (2/20/20)

Aquarius: Surprises await you. Specifically, you will unexpectedly win the Democratic primary election in American Samoa.

Pisces: Toothless Mike Tyson will soon pay you a visit. Whatever you do, do not put cajun fish seasoning on your ears like you usually do.

Aries: Following a 7.7 magnitude earthquake in the Seabury basement, a recently-opened chasm in the gym will give Seabury Basketball a remarkable home-court advantage but swallow Alex Porter. Watch your step.

Taurus: When you get home today check your closet for stray Mr. Howcrofts.

Gemini: In your future, there is lots and lots of garlic bread. Just be careful around Scorpio.

Cancer: If you are feeling sick or have any flu-like symptoms, please report to the toe washing station immediately.

Leo: If you play your cards right, Team Giannis will take you number one overall in the draft.

Virgo: In the next four days, if you even think about fluffy bottle monkey, stinky Derrick Henry will demolish your garage door with his hair.

Libra: You might have a strange recurring dream of you with absolutely no hair, but don’t be scared — it will come true on February 31st. 

Scorpio: If you see Gemini with garlic bread this week, steal it. Steal all of it. 

Sagittarius: Expect to have a hostile encounter with the New York Jets special teams coach Brant Boyer. Be careful.

Capricorn: Get too close to the lower school play and you may find yourself chased by a seventh grader in a sparkly pink hat.