Slaughter

Recently, news of the cold-blooded murder of Unnamed Seaburian took the school by storm. Four people were accused, including several illustrious faculty members and one of our own journalism staff. Thankfully, Seabury’s Genetics and Biotechnology students answered the call of duty, wading through swamps of evidence to unravel this chilling mystery.
The killing shocked junior and DNA expert Ethan Tangpornsin. “It was obviously unexpected, as Bishop Seabury is this prestigious school, and you expect high security,” he says. “How could someone get in?” Many are wondering how a despicable villain went unnoticed in the tightly knit Seabury community. “I can’t think of anyone who would commit murder,” says Tangpornsin.
There was significant DNA evidence at the crime scene, which the students analyzed. “We found some blood and a little bit of hair . . . Ms. Schrader sanitarily collected some of [the suspects’] saliva, and now we’re analyzing it using PCR,” says junior Will Hedges. PCR, which stands for polymerase chain reaction, is a method for quickly replicating DNA. In addition, the killer left several weapons, including a candle rack, broken glass and a fire poker, at the crime scene.
The investigators formed a list of suspects based on who was in the building at the time of the murder. They accused faculty members Jeanne Averill, James LaRocca and Vanessa Eicher, as well as sophomore Lear Eicher. Dr. Eicher seemed particularly shady when asked if she was shocked about the accusation. “I am a very intriguing figure, and I see why someone might think I was capable of it,” she says. However, Eicher has an alibi for her wherabouts during the murder. “I was with Mrs. Bryan. All the time. Whenever it was,” she says.
Startlingly, the unassuming LaRocca is the villain behind this brutal crime. LaRocca continues to deny the murder despite overwhelming DNA evidence. “I’m innocent. I’m not sus, you all are sus!” says LaRocca. “The key evidence that proves I didn’t do it is that if I did do it, you wouldn’t know I did it . . . because I’m that good,” says LaRocca.
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this murder is that it is, fortunately, fake. Or perhaps unfortunately for anyone with a grudge against Unnamed Seaburian. Regardless, the guise of a murder certainly injects some fun into the Genetics classroom experience. “You get to be hands on,” says Tangpornsin. “Students really like it when there’s a story behind what they’re doing . . . something that [they] can get a grip on.”
“It’s way more fun than just learning on paper,” says Hedges. “It’s fun to be actively engaged.” Anyways, many members of the Seabury community may sleep sweetly tonight knowing that the culprit of the fake murder has been found by the intrepid Genetics students.