Charlie “El Charlo” Maples Apprehended

LAWRENCE, KS — Just before five a.m. on Saturday, hundreds of soldiers and police officers descended on the subterranean regions of Seabury, following a tip as to the whereabouts of notorious and elusive Coca-cola kingpin Charlie “El Charlo” Maples. Maples, thought to be the leader of a multinational soda-smuggling ring known as Middle School 13, commonly abbreviated to MS-13, had been hiding out in the school’s basement for over a week, following an unsuccessful attempt to leave the country over spring break. Although Maples is headed for a maximum-security prison, this isn’t his first jaunt in the joint; in 2019, he got out of a high-security facility after he spelled so many words correctly that hundreds of guards and inmates passed out. Authorities hope to neutralize the Maples threat more effectively this time, but results are pending.