Flushed Away

The Bathroom Enthusiasts Club seems innocent on its surface, yet within the workings of such a seemingly silly club lie sinister truths.

Whistleblower Spencer Timkar says, “When you first join the club, you’re given a rank, similar to the U.S. navy. They took one look at me and decided I was a Toilet Scrubber.”

“It first struck me as problematic that there was such a harsh class system,” says sophomore Drake Spurlock. “But, at the same time, I couldn’t resist the honor of becoming ‘Urinal Admiral’ or ‘Loo Lieutenant,’” Spurlock explains.

Some individuals holding the club’s prestigious titles have been revealed. Senior Min Jung is the Florist and Lead Construction Worker. Senior Jaxon Patterson is Head Architect. Sophomore Cole Schumaker is holder of the Bathroom Baccalaureate.

Hayden Slough, who has put air fresheners in the bathrooms to combat the ever-present stench, has received nearly no pay in return. “It’s honest work, but a man’s gotta make a livin’,” says Slough.

Head of State of Bathroom Enthusiasts club, Andrew Lang, recently released a cryptic public statement: “We will put flowers. Just us.” We’re not sure what to make of that, Andrew.

“I’m really worried for the future of bathrooms,” says troubled bathroom enthusiast Dr. Eicher. “I’m beginning to think it’s all a setup by the bigwigs of Big Bathroom to sell more bathrooms.”

What a world we live in! Not even people with such a harmless indulgence–or as Eicher describes it, a “guilty pleasure”–of holding a strange but enthusiastic fascination with bathrooms are allowed to do so without their hopes being flushed down the drain!