Opening of Seabury Dungeon sparks conflict

Bishop Seabury Academy opened the doors to its new campus in the fall of 2020. Though all the classroom remodels were finished, some other school resources have only now been completed. 

Last Monday the school held its grand opening of the new dungeon located in the depths of the Seabury basement. Complete with cobwebs, rusted iron bars and the remains of former students, the dungeon came out exactly how Head of School Don Schawang had envisioned it.

“The results of the finished dungeon are amazing! The designers we hired really brought my vision to life!” says Schawang. The enthusiastic Headmaster is not the only faculty member excited by this new resource. Faculty member Brian Rios is also very passionate about the new addition.

“The construction of the dungeon has definitely been a long time coming. I’ve been waiting for the grand opening since Dr. Schawang and I first drew up the blueprints,” says Rios. Though he had been anticipating the grand opening for so long, Rios did not actually attend the event. “Are you kidding me?! I would NEVER actually go down there! Too much dust and too many dismembered body parts,” says Rios with a shudder. “When I send sixth graders down there, they best believe I am not coming back for them.” 

Drama teacher Doug Wear is equally enthused: “I finally found an adequate punishment for students who leave their water bottles on the stage!”

While some teachers are very excited about this new addition, the entirety of the student population is rather terrified. In fact, the school has seen a 78% decline in admission. Coincidentally, all students who unenrolled from the school after the grand opening have not been seen for days. When asked about the disappearances, Schawang let out a loud cackle and followed it with a “KAWKAAA!”