Pulsinelli Papers

Though you may know him for his welcoming personality or bulging biceps, allegations of financial misconduct have been leveled at Seabury Sophomore Albert Agah. Revelations from the Pulsinelli Papers, a collection of Google Sheets discovered by faculty member Michael Pulsinelli while not grading quizzes, reverberated through the community. Agah is said to have secretly amassed over $21 and three DogeCoin. Betsy’s location is unknown.

You might have felt Agah’s influence in the form of “albertwifi.” CTRL-F investigations revealed Agah’s identity as the majority owner of Albert LLC, which declared “totaler Krieg” on local internet provider Midco. Agah was reported to have said, “I will slaughter [Midco’s] families. Raze their farms. Salt their lands. Like, with stock buyouts and stuff.”

However, rumors of US sanctions have caused uncertainty, as Governor Kelly alleges Agah is secretly Russian oligarch Влади́мир Виссарио́нович Выго́тский.