Could AI be the Next Step?

What does it mean to be human? This query pursues Seaburians from the second they enter these hallowed hallways. But–why bother? It’s 2022. Who needs “hu-mans?” Students should be replaced by robots, or rather, StuBots, ASAP.  

Normal teenagers simply eat, sleep and breathe too much. Stu-Bots are unequivocally more cost effective. In fact, statistics genius Ron Young calculated that the cash saved on salad bar pepperoni alone could fund a gold-plated jacuzzi for the math department. “It’s empirically for the greater good,” says Young. “Don’t check my work.” 

In the age of StuBots, student morale will skyrocket by approximately 0.00002%. Each day, teachers can simply unplug students from handy-dandy charging banks, eliminating soul crushing ordeals like Angled Parking or Standing In The Back Of Morning Meeting. Plus, no more time-a-wasters like “Hu-man Interaction” or “Touching Grass.” Stu-Bots simply clunk from class to class. 

For those fearing an end to individualized education, have no fear–holographic decals and quirky hedgehog stickers are here for personalization! Compared to the prehistoric Zoom Rectangle 2000, StuBots are sparking with personality. Just listen to seventh grader Stuman Hudent’s peppy endorsement: “Beepity Boop!! Send help!!”