Breaking News– CHRONIC FIRE DRILLS EXPLAINED

Authorities noticed the remains of the Seabury gym last Friday. After further investigation, it was revealed that a volcano had nestled itself under the building and subsequently exploded. The damage was irreversible; with parts of the walls and ceiling found around the vicinity. Dubbed Mount Seaburyvesuvius, volcanologists discovered that the volcano had actually been forming for a few centuries. Heat and smoke began slowly leaking through the floor, causing several unnecessary fire drills for the students prior to the disaster.

Faculty member Brian Rios was seething from the event. “IT DESTROYED MY GYM FLOOR!” he screamed. “I HAD JUST CLEANED IT!” Firefighters found him two days after the incident sobbing in the rubble. They noted that he was muttering the words “my poor floor” and had to be bribed out with the promise of brand new volleyballs.

Another faculty member was found grieving the loss of the gym. This time, Doug Weaver erupted in anger when he discovered that his precious stage had melted. “THE LAVA SHOULD HAVE STAYED OFF THE STAGE!” he remarked. “THE CURTAINS ARE EXPENSIVE!” Unfortunately, no curtains survived the disaster.

Rescue efforts are underway, with the Bathroom Enthusiast club rallying its members to bring gym supplies to the site. In a memorial, Bathroom Enthusiast member Ryan Reynolds placed a yoga mat over the still-hot surface. Although it evaporated, the Seabury community appreciated the respectful gesture. 

It is still uncertain whether Mount Seaburyvesuvius will remain active or dormant, but till then, the school has plans to rebuild the gym. “THEY BETTER BUILD A FLOOR!” Rios comments.