Since the dawn of time, the fateful night and subsequent day following every Thanksgiving Feast has been a time war; blood has been spilled, hair has been pulled and Walmarts have been ransacked on every Black Friday. However, that all changed following the COVID-19 pandemic. Department stores and malls have seen a drastic decrease in tramplings within the past few years, and one can only wonder: what happened to this American spirit to shop aggressively?
This declining trend in Black Friday brawls has been paired with a rapid decrease in deals. Costcos, Targets and JCPenneys simply are not churning out the sales that spark major conflict amongst the American people like they used to. TV sets are no longer 50% off, there are no more two-for-one deals on KitchenAids and because of this, moms are no longer beating each other with handbags.
In the spirit of giving thanks, it is vital that American consumers demonstrate their gratitude for the great institution of capitalism by going absolutely ham on Black Friday. Dragging children––still recovering from their feasts the night before––out into the dark and cold early hours of the morning, walking around in the windowless and fluorescently lit steel boxes of T.J. Maxx and Kohl’s and fighting over pajama sets and coffee makers should be a tradition that is carried on for generations.
Most importantly, this decline in quality Black Friday deals has left a gaping hole in the hearts of those who look forward to video evidence of grandmothers knocking down towers of Sprite Cranberry cans every year. The chaos that once ensued on the great institutional holiday of Black Friday is a vital aspect of American culture that needs to be reinstated.
