Aquarius: Tomorrow, find solace in the fact that although you and your toes have been unduly separated, the appendages will add delightfully to the stew that Mr. Neuteboom is making in the Seabury basement.

Pisces: I have an insatiable desire for the Des Moines City Hall. Every night, I wake up in a cold sweat, craving the Des Moines City Hall.

Aries: Thou shalt not utilize Nicolas Cage’s name in vain. Nor shall you wear Cardigans.

Taurus: If you ever find yourself caught in an awkward conversation, shout “spy’s sappin’ mah sentry” as loud as you can and crabwalk away screeching aggressively to assert your dominance.

Gemini: ‘til the fat lady sings, the porcupines dance, and the cheese-wasps bask in convivial revelry, the rivers will run with molasses.

Cancer: At one point in your life, you will stand on the edge of a cliff, with the wind rushing through your glorious hair, contemplating life. You are Chewbacca.

Leo: This week, you will wake up to find that every word in the English lexicon has been replaced by variations of the sound a crab makes when it crawls across the roof of a 2006 Toyota Camry. You will be the only human on earth without the ability to interpret these utterances.

Virgo: This week you will perish unexpectedly and will, as stipulated in a forged will, be buried beneath the floorboards of Des Moines City Hall.

Libra: “Sphacelated” is a fascinating word which you will very suddenly and very alarmingly have occasion to learn the meaning of.

Scorpio: This week, invent a machine that turns any musical instrument into whole milk.

Sagittarius: WOOOOOOSHHH I am the WIIIIIIINND Gary Lezak Out

Capricorn: Would you still love me if I were just the husk of leathery human skin that Nicolas Cage wears as a raincoat?

Aquarius: Tomorrow, find solace in the fact that although you and your toes have been unduly separated, the appendages will add delightfully to the stew that Mr. Neuteboom is making in the Seabury basement.

Pisces: I have an insatiable desire for the Des Moines City Hall. Every night, I wake up in a cold sweat, craving the Des Moines City Hall.

Aries: Thou shalt not utilize Nicolas Cage’s name in vain. Nor shall you wear Cardigans.

Taurus: If you ever find yourself caught in an awkward conversation, shout “spy’s sappin’ mah sentry” as loud as you can and crabwalk away screeching aggressively to assert your dominance.

Gemini: ‘til the fat lady sings, the porcupines dance, and the cheese-wasps bask in convivial revelry, the rivers will run with molasses.

Cancer: At one point in your life, you will stand on the edge of a cliff, with the wind rushing through your glorious hair, contemplating life. You are Chewbacca.

Leo: This week, you will wake up to find that every word in the English lexicon has been replaced by variations of the sound a crab makes when it crawls across the roof of a 2006 Toyota Camry. You will be the only human on earth without the ability to interpret these utterances.

Virgo: This week you will perish unexpectedly and will, as stipulated in a forged will, be buried beneath the floorboards of Des Moines City Hall.

Libra: “Sphacelated” is a fascinating word which you will very suddenly and very alarmingly have occasion to learn the meaning of.

Scorpio: This week, invent a machine that turns any musical instrument into whole milk.

Sagittarius: WOOOOOOSHHH I am the WIIIIIIINND Gary Lezak Out

Capricorn: Would you still love me if I were just the husk of leathery human skin that Nicolas Cage wears as a raincoat?