Aquarius: Well, you know what they say. If it can crush a saltine, it can melt a bear. 

Pisces: This week, wake up and smell the coffee, and the bees, and the chloroform, and the ketamine.

Aries: You know those things they call “bath bombs”? Yes. Bears.

Taurus: This week, feel gratified as you observe the accomplishments of your art students. You will also be mauled by a fifteen foot tall Kodiak Bear named Maurice.

Gemini: What if you wanted to go to heaven but God said Turtle Garbage Fire Hillbilly Man

Cancer: Nothing can hold us back from our love, except perhaps the Kansas prison system. 

Leo:  Eat six saltines in one minute…can’t do it can you?

Virgo: Bad news: Your Elkay Filtered 8 GPH EZH2O ADA Stainless Steel Drinking Fountain with Bottle Filling Station has been disintegrated into a thousand little shards. 

Libra: Waca waca waca waKEuP AND SMELL THE CRUSHING PRESSURES OF sOciEtY

Scorpio: Whoever Axe-bombed the boys’ locker room will be forcibly removed from this dimension by the bears in the Seabury basement.

Sagittarius: Imagine inventing building a clone machine and selling clones on the black market.

Capricorn: There Is A Giant Vending Machine In The State Of Georgia That Holds All The Politicians And God Puts The Coins In.

Sagicornio: Imagine if Colin and Cameren had a child.

Aquarius: In my day, “asking someone out” did not mean requesting that they be deported, but it is 2019, after all.

Pisces: This week, wake up and smell the coffee, and the bees, and the chloroform, and the ketamine.

Aries: You know those things they call “bath bombs”? Yes. Bears.

Taurus: This week, feel gratified as you observe the accomplishments of your art students. You will also be mauled by a fifteen foot tall Kodiak Bear named Maurice.

Gemini: What if you wanted to go to heaven but God said Turtle Garbage Fire Hillbilly Man

Cancer: Marshawn Lynch dog food on sale at the HyVee Gas Station 50% off now!

Leo:  Eat six saltines in one minute…can’t do it can you?

Virgo: vi  b e please

Libra: Little baby Stavian Jones Island

Scorpio: Whoever Axe-bombed the boys’ locker room will be forcibly removed from this dimension by the bears in the Seabury basement.

Sagittarius: Imagine building a clone machine and selling clones on the black market.

Capricorn: There Is A Giant Vending Machine In The State Of Georgia That Holds All The Politicians And God Puts The Coins In.

Sagicornio: Imagine if Colin and Cameren had a child.