Horoscopes Issue 1 (10/07/2020)

Aquarius: You’re Are *epic backflip*

Pisces: And the Emmy goes to… The monkey from Kung Fu Panda!!! Wooooooo!!!

Aries: New game idea: 21 questions but it’s Jackie Chan every time 

Taurus: No matter how much chicken and rice is served to you, there will always be more chicken and rice tomorrow. You can’t escape it, the chicken and rice will always consume you

Gemini: Picture this: golf except that it’s not golf and you’re riding a stampede of rats through the New York sewer system

Cancer: Don’t look now, you might spot Pulsinelli heading down the chimney shouting Jackie Chan quotes from “Karate Kid”

Leo: Eyyy Monterey Jack you’ve shot the cheese for the last time ~MAFIA VOICE~ 

Virgo: we should turn Mr Knudsons room into a Lyle Griggs clone factory that would be funny i think

Libra: New book idea: Harry Potter but every character is Jackie Chan. Write it. NOW.

Scorpio: If you take a closer look into the blue lunch bags you’ll find they are actually portals to the 1998 NBA Finals.

Sagittarius: Tyger, Tyger, burning bright/in the oatmeal of the night/what immortal hand or Cran(berry)/could frame thy fearful Jackie Chan

Capricorn: “What is an Ichthyologist please help me” That is exactly what you DON’T want to say unless you want to take a swan dive into the seabury pond. This is a promise.

Sagicornio: Virgo kinda sus ngl