Report Finds Agony Production Up 30%

Lyle Griggs, Copy

BISHOP SEABURY ACADEMY, APRIL 1, 2021: An annual economic summary released Thursday found that production of Seabury’s top export, agony, was up 30% in 2020 despite the pandemic’s adverse effect on most manufacturing.

Members of the Seabury community received the report with mixed emotions. “Good,” said Seabury seventh grader Don Cheadle.

“Aaaaargh,” howled the mailman slowly being devoured by ferrets in Mr. Neuteboom’s broom closet. 

In less encouraging news, the report found that production of Seabury’s second biggest export, eggs, was down 100%. Economists hope that the overproduction of agony, paired with modest production volume increases in minor exports like anguish, gloom, pain, and woe can make up for those shortfalls in 2021.