In a statement released Friday, the Almighty God broke his long silence on the oft-denied existence of the Seabury Basement. In the statement, provided below, the lord of the heavens did not, however, explain how to resolve the situation.

The Heavenly Seat, 1 April 2021: So y’all have been asking me about the screeching sounds and the stench coming from the AC vents at y’all’s school and I wasn’t sure if I should explain seeing as it’s a little complicated so basically back in the 1990s, the air pressure in Hell started getting a little high and Satan started getting the bends whenever he resurfaced to torture the minds and bodies of the innocent. So long story short, we had to add some vents to control air pressure and augment what the existing portal to Hell was doing in terms of ventilation, and so we chose the Alvamar Tennis Club because both the Devil and I hate tennis despite our differences. So problem was that y’all set up shop there in 2004 but we couldn’t do much about it by that point but we sent some bears up there to keep the Hell critters under control and such. Sorry about that. Call 811 and me before you dig lol.

When The Chronicle reached out to God for suggestions vis a vis stench mitigation, we received an out-of-office reply. According to his secretary, God is currently on vacation in Branson, Missouri and will not be back until May.