Horoscopes Issue 7 (4/14/21)

Aquarius: The Rapture will occur after the twelve billionth Rickroll.

Pisces: TO DO: thut down h*bby l*bby by flooding the floor with pink marbleths- Mike Tyson

Aries: As the great Elvish Presley once said: “Sael men ped- Onlui fools rush in”

Taurus: Prediction: “form trips” in 2021 will be the scattered survivors toasting marshmallows over the smoldering wreckage of our civilization.

Gemini: Someone should really teach a bowling/the Minions movie watch party class for renaissance day… I think somebody might really enjoy that

Cancer: I hate being SEXY but I’m a FISHERMAN so I can’t help it

Leo: With rising fedora prices comes an influx of marine animals into the Seabury ice machine. When you see Nicholas Cage roaming the halls, don’t stare.

Virgo: i absolutely love the part of the Beatles song where they finally shut their mouths

Libra: praise the tommy warden memorial in the room with many whiteboards or extermination

Scorpio: Report Finds “Spanish” Teacher “Senor” Rowe Has Been Secretly Teaching Italian, Not Spanish, To Students Since 2016

Sagittarius: Head to the Seabury blacksmith for help forging your next assignment! >:)

Capricorn: the ultimate goal of the chronicle is to get sued for slander for insulting the lawrence journal-world and the lawrence times. by the way, did you know chad lawhorn is