Horoscopes Issue 9 (5/04/2020)

May 4, 2020

Aquarius: Who keep killing the spiders??   Pisces: Vote Landen Lucas for student senate   Aries: The next object you look up at will be fixed eternally with two eyes of the damned and the only way to fix th...

Horoscopes Issue 8 (4/8/20)

April 8, 2020

Aquarius: As they say, there ain’t no more cane on the Brazos, but that doesn’t have anything to do with your six felony accusations.   Pisces: Guard your KFC carefully, DO NOT LEAVE IT UNATTENDED IN THE HALLWAY or...

Spotlight: Madame Derby

Edie Patterson

February 20, 2020

“Since I was very young, I have been fascinated by other cultures and places,” Madame Derby says, describing her initial fascination with French on childhood trips to Quebec. “I am as excited about learning French and every...

Horoscopes Issue 7 (2/20/20)

February 20, 2020

Aquarius: Surprises await you. Specifically, you will unexpectedly win the Democratic primary election in American Samoa.   Pisces: Toothless Mike Tyson will soon pay you a visit. Whatever you do, do not put cajun fis...

Horoscopes Issue 6 (1/27/20)

January 27, 2020

Aquarius: -Diego Klish, 2020   Pisces: “I do not shower EVER”- Diego Klish, 2020   Aries: “Sometimes before I sleep, I think about baseball players because I like the sounds they make”- Diego Kli...

Horoscopes Issue 4 (11/21/19)

November 21, 2019

Aquarius: Well, you know what they say. If it can crush a saltine, it can melt a bear.    Pisces: This week, wake up and smell the coffee, and the bees, and the chloroform, and the ketamine.   Aries: Yo...

Freshman Shamus Sawyer prepares to shoot a basketball. Along with his love for all sports, he said he also has an interest in cars.

Spotlight: Shamus Sawyer

October 31, 2019

Horoscopes? Issue 3 (10/31/19)

October 31, 2019

Aquarius: Tomorrow, find solace in the fact that although you and your toes have been unduly separated, the appendages will add delightfully to the stew that Mr. Neuteboom is making in the Seabury basement.   Pisces: ...

Horoscopes Issue 2 (10/2/2019)

October 2, 2019

Aries: Aaaaaaah! Rand Paul is chasing me! His hands are the size of BOILERPLATES! His heelies are TOO FAST for me to outrun!   Taurus: If you throw out bacon grease with the cat litter, your FBI agent will put you on t...

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