Horoscopes Issue 8 (5/6/21)

Aquarius: What if algebra was spelled algebruh that would be a little funny i think a little

Pisces: A piece of you will always be out there, running, like worms from birds during a torrential downpour

Aries: headmaster’s holiday. that’s it. that’s the joke.

Taurus: I think we should tango together. Lucifer can teach us!

Gemini: Seabury life hack: if you draw a picture of Mr. Gollier on your finals, your teachers HAVE to give you an A+

Cancer: *in a British voice* Rest in peace Michael Jackson. You would have loved Doja Cat. Rest In Peace love.

Leo: Most important thing you’ve learned from school? The Sexiest man alive, hands down.

Virgo: ngl I bet the bees are just LIVING right now. Absolutely vivacious.

Libra: Sometimes in life you just have to quench your eyes with the tears of your enemies. It is what it is.

Scorpio: Once upon a time, I had a sponge for a brain named Crayon. It kept blasting Taylor Swift. Help me. It keeps blasting Taylor Swift. I love it though. MAYBE WE GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION MAYBE 

Sagittarius: Rest In Peace dr Seuss i had no idea you were a real person i just googled you when you died tbh i thought dr Seuss was the cat with the big hat

Capricorn: the many, many corn fields in kansas are there to serve as a coverup for Metallica’s grand scheme to create a floating island