REVIEW: Left-Handedism

Andrew Lang, Copy

Within the last week, it has come to my attention that a percentage of the human population uses their left hand for practical purposes instead of their right hand. Like any sane person would, I decided to dig into and research the morals and ethics of so-called “left-handedism,” and my discoveries have left me in a state of severe shock. 

A sufficient amount of evidence adds up to the sinister nature of left-handedism. Example 1: the word left itself derives from the Anglo-Saxon word “lyft,” meaning weak. Also, Example 2: according to Pope Gregory I, “left-handed people are very evil, because I am the pope and I am smart.” And, Example 3: at one point in time, being left-handed was illegal in Albania (rightfully so). AND, Example 4: according to the book of Revelations, the saved are in God’s right hand, while the forsaken are in God’s LEFT hand, where “there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”  

As was also proven through my research, the scientific evidence countering left-handedism is appalling. Statistically, more than 87% of left-handed “people” are unable to tell the difference between a lowercase “L” and a capital “i.” As well, the statistics show that left-handed people are weaker than those who are right-handed. Harvard University scientist Johnny says, “my right hand is stronger than my left, so . . .”

Time and science have proven that left-handedism is a cataclysmic defect in human genetics, and in short, left-handed people are evil. Needless to say, I am yet to find a single statement in any international archive that dares to refute the sinister nature of these left-handed creatures.