Aquarius: Step out of line one more time and I’m calling Punxsutawney Phil.
Pisces: Quaint quails have quit quilting. Devastating.
Aries: I’m tired of pretending I understand the phrase meta.
Taurus: I keep falling asleep watching Tangled and waking up to that weird short drunk diaper man.
Gemini: Yeah don’t wear that shirt again…
Cancer: BREAKING: Former Seahawk Truman Hill meets Baby Gronk at fraternity
Leo: When you look into your lunchbox, it will look back. Refuse.
Virgo: Winter is like waking up every day and bashing your head into the pavement for 3 months straight.
Libra: I wake up, I’m hungry. I eat, I’m hungry. I go to bed, I’m hungry. This is my life.
Scorpio: Born to win “Alpha of the Pack,” forced to win “In bed before 5:30 PM.”
Sagittarius: You walk upon the dusty path; all has gone awry. The galaxy has crumbled, drenching you in sky.
Capricorn: Scorpio, with the waxing moon, focus on growth. Carry amethyst for clarity this week.
