Horoscopes Issue 1 (9/12/2019)

Aries: First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the chronic multifocal osteomyelitis.


Taurus: Imagine this: Father Rob plays “Teach Me How to Dougie” after chapel and hits The Dougie as you watch longingly. You wish you could hit The Dougie like him.


Gemini: Please rise and stand around for a while while we do announcements


Cancer: If we ever managed to get The Fish back to the gym? The tears! The joy! The ecstasy!


Leo: If you encounter Peter Westbrook reciting Latin in the Reese Hall bathroom, please just walk away and pretend you saw nothing.


Virgo: At the end of the school year, all the former VIPs will compete in a backflip contest off of Reese Hall. Then, when the dust has settled, the mud has dried, seeds cease to sprout, birds no longer sing, and the earth loses its fecundity, the rapture will come (specifically on June 19th, 2020 at 2:00 PM CST).


Libra: This week will find you naked, confused, and tied to a tree on the outskirts of Colombo being force-fed rice while two muscular men yell at you in Sinhalese.


Scorpio: yonk. I sing, my friends, of yonk. The herald of Yonk, I am.


Sagittarius: Take me to Martalooloo where the Martaloolans play.


Capricorn: According to recent studies, the popular Seabury custom of between-bathroom-stall-broccoli-sharing could have health risks. Students should limit themselves to five pieces-of-broccoli-passed-between-stalls per week.


Aquarius: NOTICE: Broccoli will no longer be part of school lunch for bathroom-related reasons. 


Pisces: BREAKING NEWS: The FDA has ruled that those with low bone density will posthaste be BURNED AT THE STAKE.