Horoscopes Issue 9 (5/04/2020)

Aquarius: Who keep killing the spiders??


Pisces: Vote Landen Lucas for student senate


Aries: The next object you look up at will be fixed eternally with two eyes of the damned and the only way to fix this is to give money to Hugh Griggs


Taurus: Give lots of money to the Hugh Griggs fund


Gemini: “I am a gamer cuz its fun”


Cancer: After he left the ravens, Rand Paul worked at top consulting firm McKinsey and Co., where he gained notoriety for stealing shiny eyeglasses from top clients.


Leo: Before he goes to sleep, Rand Paul always drinks at least six tablespoons of warm rat blood, a tradition among the ravens.


Virgo: Rand Paul’s first word was more of a croak (he was raised by ravens). His second word was “synecdoche.”


Libra: Beware, for Colin Farha will place a pumpkin in your house at some time in the near future.


Scorpio: Join the Seabury candle-advocacy group!


Sagittarius: Rand Paul cuts his hair using the patented Rand Paul Haircutting System, which involves setting fire to his head. Show me a problem the free market hasn’t solved!


Capricorn: Every morning, Rand Paul eats four live snakes, a key part of the Rand Paul Food Pyramid.