Aquarius: help. Im. stuck in printer….

Pisces: Secret exposed: headmaster Don Schawang ordered the construction company to build the new school out of balsa wood and metal scraps, siphoning the unused money into his personal bank account to finance the expansion of his secret underground whale farm.

Aries: Each morning, Eric Clapton spends up to an hour putting little tiny tennis shoes on each of the hundreds of tiny feet that cover his torso. Clapton credits his guitar talent to this morning manual exercise.

Taurus:  You think Rudolph’s nose is natural?? It’s watermelon guts. It’s allllll watermelon guts. 

Gemini: Life Doesn’t Get Easier, You Just Become Albanian

Cancer: Easy way to double your money – start eating candy canes until you see double, then go broke spending it on donations to Alf Alpha’s Christmas Cringle.

Leo: Don’t talk to me until you’ve located a fossil sample of the extinct species of monk seal, eomonachus belegaerensis.

Virgo: New rapper idea: Venezuelan 50 Cent, better known as $169,304.92

Libra: Try a new game called “seeing double,” where you drive down the highway without your glasses on while trying to decide whether that sign leads to your child’s custody hearing or the baked bean factory.

Scorpio: This Christmas, start a new tradition of composing epic poems thousands of lines long with your family and closest friends, only to take all the credit under the nom de plume of a famous Kidz Bop star.

Sagittarius: Yes I am hooked on chloroform…ation of the first triumvirate.

Capricorn: this horoscope has been designated as a culturally significant item and has been added to the national registry as of 2:45 PM on 12/4/2020