Horoscopes Issue 4 (2/1/21)

Aquarius: Pedro Pascal is just twelve hundred very attractive cockroaches in a trenchcoat

Pisces: In a remarkable, unprecedented appliance malfunction, the ice machine in the gym is now absolutely churning with live rattlesnakes

Aries: instead of gamestop, invest in yourself

Taurus: Instead of Headmaster’s Holiday, expect Headmaster’s Hell; you will be burned to a fiery crisp while being force fed baked bean flavored pancakes. Gorilla

Gemini: Bugs Bunny invented nuclear fusion, gerrymandering, cucumbers and several methods of torture…help me 

Cancer: Here is your mission: 1. Acquire five tons of fake snow. 2. Rent a plane. 3. Create an artificial snow day for all of Lawrence. 4. Shave a bear. 5. Name it Kevin. 6. Ride off into the sunset.

Leo: CoVid cases are up in United States, good thing I live in America 🇺🇸Gorilla

Virgo: Wait, if Mr. Weaver’s room is a black box theater, does that mean that it records everything we say in case Seabury dies in a plane crash?

Libra: ghost nonbelievers like: “facts and logic are haunting my home” — says the person with racoons living in their crawl space 

Scorpio: Mortimer has a headache because his brain is an iguana. It won’t stop churning the milk. Mortimer wants to bawl. But Mortimer isn’t alone… 

Sagittarius: OH Canada flood the land with maple syrup then we can have maple syrup compost worm candy (Kansas is flat as a pancake anyways Turtle garbage fire hillbilly man)

Capricorn: we oughta fill the empty chemistry room with sulfuric acid for a prank