Horoscopes Issue 5 (3/1/21)

Aries: A cop pulled me over and said, “papers,” so me said, “SCISSORS haha, me win,” and he provided 6 warrants for my arrest

Taurus: A busy week lies ahead, filled with inconveniently placed garden gnomes and nagging FBI agents.

Gemini: If you see mysterious persons coming and going from the Seabury basement with bags of marshmallows and red dust this week, no you didn’t.

Cancer: You will soon lose WiFi, so don’t be alarmed when three men dressed as KC Wolf arrive at your house to fix it. 

Leo: Contemplate this week what you would do if the BSA building magically transformed into a Bass Pro Shop. The pond is taking over!!! 

Virgo: Ronaldo has a pet tiger that is his brain. It always eats tires. Oh no. He gets 6 hours of sleep. Oh no. STOP EATING TIRES, he screams. No, his tiger/brain says. Never stop.

Libra: Yeah I’m on a seafood diet, it consists of aquatic forms of sustenance

Scorpio: Always make sure to check your coupon drawer before purchasing 19 gallons of unsweetened gatorade formula. Always.

Sagittarius: Sometimes people ask me, “What the heck are you even saying anyways?” Well now, that’s YOUR potato to smash, buckaroo, ain’t it?

Capricorn: Sometimes, Karl wonders why his shoes squeak. Turns out, they’re actually just soda cans. Who knew! Veni vidi vici!!!!!

Aquarius: Yeah, the Mars rover landing was cool, but have you ever seen an orangutan boxing match?

Pisces: To play for the Seabury Quidditch team this spring, you must get the newest covid vaccine: Avada Moderna

Aries: A cop pulled me over and said, “papers,” so me said, “SCISSORS haha, me win,” and he provided 6 warrants for my arrest

Taurus: A busy week lies ahead, filled with inconveniently placed garden gnomes and nagging FBI agents.

Gemini: If you see mysterious persons coming and going from the Seabury basement with bags of marshmallows and red dust this week, no you didn’t.

Cancer: You will soon lose WiFi, so don’t be alarmed when three men dressed as KC Wolf arrive at your house to fix it. 

Leo: Contemplate this week what you would do if the BSA building magically transformed into a Bass Pro Shop. The pond is taking over!!! 

Virgo: Ronaldo has a pet tiger that is his brain. It always eats tires. Oh no. He gets 6 hours of sleep. Oh no. STOP EATING TIRES, he screams. No, his tiger/brain says. Never stop.

Libra: Yeah I’m on a seafood diet, it consists of aquatic forms of sustenance

Scorpio: Always make sure to check your coupon drawer before purchasing 19 gallons of unsweetened gatorade formula. Always.

Sagittarius: Sometimes people ask me, “What the heck are you even saying anyways?” Well now, that’s YOUR potato to smash, buckaroo, ain’t it?

Capricorn: Sometimes, Karl wonders why his shoes squeak. Turns out, they’re actually just soda cans. Who knew! Veni vidi vici!!!!!

Aquarius: Yeah, the Mars rover landing was cool, but have you ever seen an orangutan boxing match?

Pisces: To play for the Seabury Quidditch team this spring, you must get the newest covid vaccine: Avada Moderna