Aquarius: As they say, there ain’t no more cane on the Brazos, but that doesn’t have anything to do with your six felony accusations.

Pisces: Guard your KFC carefully, DO NOT LEAVE IT UNATTENDED IN THE HALLWAY or the Moxy hotel demons will consume it piece by unholy piece 

Aries: Due to health concerns, a press agent associated with Mr. Jesus Christ has announced that the Rapture, originally scheduled for May 4th, 2020, has been indefinitely postponed. Onions.

Taurus: Despite hours of practice, you will not get the solo in the upcoming Zoom choir concert.

Gemini: If a single person reads this newspaper issue everyone on Journalism will forego shaving until social-distancing rules are lifted.

Cancer: I will cut off my leg I will CUT OFF MY LEG if you don’t unplug the toaster.

Leo: The flying ostriches will rebel on May 23rd. Beware.

Virgo: Due to health concerns, Dr. Schawang has announced that Seabury will move its campus to Milwaukee.

Libra: Hike out to the great planes, find a lone tree, climb to the top, sing to mother earth, and then descend before being bitten by a prairie dog. That could be you next Tuesday!!!1!

Scorpio: “Dunununununununununun Batman!”

Sagittarius: Dance on moving walkways. Go through the acid trip tunnel. Ride the train. You are in the Detroit airport. 

Capricorn: Colin Farha is immune to all maladies because he is a Dell Latitude D620 computer. Be like him.