Horoscopes Issue 2 (11/05/20)

Aquarius: “You could not live with your own failure, and where did that bring you? Back to me.” -Pumpkin Gru

Pisces: From a Utilitarian perspective, GIIIBBAAAAYYYYY!!


Taurus: Worst crime I ever committed on Halloween: You know the bowls of candy that people put out that say “Take One Please?” So I robbed a pharmacy at gunpoint

Gemini: Would you still love me if I committed tax fraud in your name? -Virgo

Cancer: Check your kids’ Halloween candy, someone tried to put an Entire WWII German Regiment in mine

Leo: You’ll soon find that heights are one of your greatest fears–that and being chased down a tight alley by the Southern Accent Catering van.

Virgo: ¡Homicidio Vehicular Bob Esponja!

Libra: Don’t order the cucumber soup, let the cucumber soup order you.

Scorpio: Mr. Gollier dance party on February 32nd, there will be dancing Mr. Gollier and there WILL be party. Also, juice boxes 😉

Sagittarius: IT(Your crippling fear of slicing broccoli horizontally)’S ALIVEEE!!!

Capricorn: According to my calculations, Dr. Schawang’s new office DOES contain a portal to the Hyvee gas station.

Sagicornio: “What if the shaving cream companies put hair fertilizer in the shaving cream so people have to buy more shaving cream”