Wrecking Ball: Mayonnaise

You squeeze the creamy white condiment onto a spoon. From sight only it looks normal, quite pleasant actually, sort of like icing on a birthday cake. The only thing that convinces you otherwise is the smell, no, the stench. The disgusting substance reeks of rotten eggs that have been sitting in a cave filled with vinegar for a hundred years. 

You wonder what cruel person came up with the deranged idea to combine eggs and oil, and as you try it, the overwhelming taste, sour and bitter, automatically fills your mouth, but what’s even worse is the texture, like a bottle of hand cream that was combined with the tiniest bit of water. 

Before you can think any further on the matter, the aftertaste hits you. The lingering taste clings to your mouth–literally. A layer of mayonnaise sticks to your mouth, leaving a bitter, sour residue. You reach for water, determined to get any remnants of the mayonnaise out of your mouth.

While this may seem pointless to some, and wrong to others, this is what crossed my mind when I was trying mayonnaise for the first time, and I know many will disagree or say that mayonnaise tastes better on something, and that you can’t judge it alone. While I see where they’re coming from, I passionately disagree. I have tried it all. Mayonnaise on sandwiches, salad, even potatoes, just trying to even get a sense of perspective on how some people like it. But alas, there is nothing about mayonnaise that is tolerable, much less good. 

Even more extreme than my distaste of mayonnaise is my disappointment of the low amount of discussion this condiment gets. People talk about how ketchup is overrated, or how mustard is gross, and I personally disagree, but no one talks about how utterly disgusting mayonnaise is. Mayonnaise is a disgrace to the word “condiment,” and it is because of this that I give it zero out of five anchors.