Ya’ll, let me tell you. If your Valentine’s Day was an ice cream-fueled sobfest (like mine), then you need to start looking and start looking now. But who do I look for? I’m glad you asked.
Let’s start with what your eyes should look for. He should be tall, like 6’7 (on a bad day). Broad shoulders, built for warm enveloping embraces, honed by years of tennis practice, would be ideal. You wanna see those legs, so he has GOT to wear shorts all day–preferably red or blue–every day. A nice polo should clearly define his perfect pecs, and there should be ample food stains to accentuate his natural Greek god body type.
Now for his face. Eyebrows? No. Eyebrow? Now we’re talking. He should have a sprinkling of acne. A little dust helps the diamond shine brighter. And his eyes, OOOOH BOY, his eyes. They should shimmer like the light of a dying star, and glisten like a fire opal in the blistering desert heat.
Next, if you really want to find “the one,” it is important that their name reflects their stoic yet romantic personality. It should start with G for the generosity he will bring to the relationship, then A for his support of your aspirations. You also want a B in the name for his breathtakingly sculpted face, and finally E for his everlasting love.
Now that we know what to look for with our eyes, we must know the essence of a perfect partner’s soul. He must have strong ideals, representing the epitome of justice and respect. A staunch belief in feminism is a must for any true soulmate, and they will have published several books on the suffering of women. His love and compassion for women will surely ensure that you receive the respect you deserve.
“But how will I know such a drop-dead gorgeous hunk of a man will stay loyal!?” I hear you exclaim as you pine for your soon to be love. Fret not, for our ideal man is also a master of discipline and commitment. In other words, he is a tennis player. No other sport demands such focus, precision, repetition and resolve.
If you have not already begun your search for such a man, then make haste! It will surely be difficult to find such a perfect specimen, but if you are lucky enough, you are truly blessed. Not everyone can find the love of their life, but I wish you the best of luck and happy hunting!
